I had a conversation about peoples’ personalities and temperaments with someone last week. This person had asked why I do certain things. One thing, specifically, that I frequently do, bothers this person immensely. This particular trait also bothers me but not as much as it bothers said person. I think I am at the age where I have figured that there are things about me that I might never actually change. And I am fine with that, perfectly fine.
So I asked this person, let’s call them person X, whether they were aware of temperaments. They said they weren’t. I wasn’t impressed because who doesn’t know about temperaments in 2024? See I don’t understand how someone who has a smart phone and access to a free Wi-Fi connection six days a week doesn’t know what personalities and temperaments are. Something is obviously wrong with a certain generation. But I digress.
I told X what my personality is. X asked what that meant.
“Do you have your phone?” I asked.
People tell me I am sarcastic. They are right! I can be very snide. You’d actually think that I am mean but I am not. Oscar Wilde once said that ‘sarcasm is the lowest form of wit but the highest form of intelligence.’ Need I say more?
“Of course I do! Isn’t that what I am using to chat with?” X replied.
“That’s great,” I said, “Now go to your browser and find Google. Once you find it, please type what I have told you, click search and the read.”
Needless to say, X didn’t like my sarcasm but that’s not the point or premise of this story. In our conversation, it so happened that we discovered, through my temperament that I am a loyal friend. I am the ride or die one. Like if I am your friend then I am your friend. I don’t do in-betweens or maybes. I am fully there; I am a 110% kind of a friend. I don’t just make friendships I am deliberate. I am intentional, very intentional. So this conversation got me thinking about friendships and relationships.
See, we live in times when friendships are very transactional.
People are friends only to the extent to which those friendships are beneficial to them. And that’s not exactly a bad thing really because look, we all want to benefit from a place where we invest our energy, resources and time in. It is hypocritical for anyone to say that they are not looking for reciprocity in a relationship. There’s no one who is comfortable with giving, all the time, and not receiving at all. So no, that’s not the issue.
What then what is the issue, you may ask.
Here’s my concern: it is possible for one to be friends with someone who isn’t friends with them. It hit me that you could walk around saying ‘so and so is my friend’ but that ‘so and so’ doesn’t consider you their friend. The truth, and sadly so, is that most of the people you consider to be your friends don’t consider you to be their friend. So if we reached three of your closest friends and asked them to write down three of their closet friends would you be in their list of three? Think about that for a minute.
How then do I figure which of my friends are friends with me? Here’s a three-point discovery process, developed by yours truly, that you could use. The first thing you need to look at or for is the time factor. Anyone who values you will place what I call a time stamp on you. In other words, they will make time for you. If someone considers you a friend then you don’t even fit in their schedule, they can suspend their schedule for you. I know you’ve heard this and I’ll say it again. No one, absolutely no one is ever that busy that they can’t see you or make time for you. People who claim to be too busy to meet you still meet other people-just not you. Time spent on someone equals valued attached to that relationship. And time doesn’t always mean physical or in person meetings because you might be friends with someone who is near in close proximity. Check how fast they respond to your texts, if you call and they don’t pick up, do they call back or do you have to call back a day later to ask why your call wasn’t picked or returned? Do they talk to you on phone even if they are far? Its called a time stamp. If someone doesn’t give you time then you might just be friends to someone who isn’t friends with you.
Second thing on the discovery process is access. Have you ever found yourself in a relationship where you are the only one who ‘shares’? Like you’ll be the one to talk about what’s happening in your life, what you are going through, your dreams and ambitions, how you feel et cetera while your ‘friend’ never says anything about themselves? There’s something in psychology known as self-disclosure. It is the process of communication by which one person reveals information about himself or herself to another person. Now, a balanced process of self-disclosure will normally lead to a healthy relationship. An imbalanced self-disclosure leads to a lopsided relationship. Listen, someone who considers you their friend will grant you access to their lives. They’ll tell you about themselves, their struggles, their joys, they will talk to you. If you are the only one who talks and shares then you are most probably alone in that friendship. There are people who never give you money but they allow you access. That access is far much better and valuable than money. It means that they trust you. They trust that you could know things about them, whether good or bad, and stick around.
Also, please note that people pick and choose who gets to know what about their lives. I call it the principle of access cards. You’ll be thinking that you are friends with someone until you hear of a big move, a transition, a misfortune, about them after it happens. Thing is, there are people who knew about it before it happened or as it was happening. They are premium access cardholders in that person’s life, you are not. You are friends with that person they are not friends with you.
Lastly, in the discovery process is the principle of circles. Now, I’ll be releasing a book in a few months about this but l need you to know that you are as close to someone as much as you know who is in their inner circle. Some of you say that you are best friends with people who have other best friends who they talk to and go for vacations with. Back to the illustration I gave up there about your list of three friends. If you are really someone’s close friend, you should be able to tell us who his or her close friends are, other than yourself. If you are unable to do that then there is a circle that they are in that you are not in. Chances are that you are in the outer circle.
So let me ask again, who are your friends and are you their friend?
Great insight. Thank you
This is so timely.
This month alone, I have had to ask myself difficult questions. It’s true that it’s always a matter of priority. My situation was that I complained of something someone did and they went ahead to give me a call just to tell me I was wrong. Mind you, this person never calls. It was at that moment that I realized, I have been watering a dead plant.
This article has made me reflect on friendships and accept that they are not all permanent. There are those that go for a lifetime and they are those that keep us for a season. A leaves and roots kind of thing. So, thank you for writing this.
Hehe
Proverbs 18:24
“A man of many companions may be ruined, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
Cronies chronology!
Eeeiii…a great eye opener indeed..
Got to ask myself the big question here,”…am I their friend really..”..
Great read and amazing writing skills as always..👌